If you are a parent of a baby or toddler, chances are there of experiencing tantrum in supermarket, bedtime struggle, sibling conflict and meltdown afterschool. These big emotions of little children are overwhelming for children and parents too. This emotional turbulence in children call for proper managing of their feelings i.e emotional regulation for kids. This is the ability of a child to validate their feelings and manage their emotions without any meltdown or tantrums.
Emotional regulation for kids starts at early stage. As they grow, emotional self regulation skill should also be developed according to their age with proper support and guidance from parents, teachers and caregivers. For example toddler may not cry as much as a baby. A toddler unlike babies may have tantrums when they feel overwhelming. So to manage these big feelings of children they should be trained to self regulate their emotions without being overwhelmed.
This post will unravel everything about emotional regulation for kids, how co-regulation helps children and parents. And practical tools for parents that will help them to coach children to learn self-regulation skill. This post is part of the series on building child resilience which features the comprehensive framework of child resilience. And emotional regulation is one of the core pillar of the resilience framework.
What is Emotional Regulation?
Often emotional regulation is mistaken as avoiding the difficult situations that children feel tough to handle or else hiding the emotions. But in simple terms emotional regulation means not avoiding any tough situation neither saying no to big feelings. It is just a skill of learning and handling big feelings.
Imagine situations when children feel frustrated or anxious for whatever situations like not willing to do school tasks or solving any math problems. And in that scenario if a parent intervenes and speak few words to make them do the tasks, children feel more pressurised. So rather than interfering this way, it’s better to coach children and support them in another way. And the another way is teaching the skill of self regulation.
Now we have to understand these skills are not a one day workshop, it is a process where children learn each day from their experiences and the environment around them. Emotional regulation skill makes children understand and analyse the situations. And then they try to find more better ways to handle and respond.
Signs When A Child Has Emotional Regulation
- Child can validate his/her feelings and can say whether feeling bad or sad rather than meltdowns.
- They can calm down by taking a break or practicing deep breathing.
- Children comfort themselves by taking help from parents and teachers, listen to their advices.
- They know to bounce back from difficult situations.
There are hardships in everyone’s life that are inevitable and for that emotional resilience matters most. It helps a person to recover from the hardships and easily adapt to the change required. So the early a child learns self-regulation the better way they can handle the tough moments of their life.
Why Kids Struggle With Big Feelings ?
There is a scientific reason behind every human behaviour. Meltdown of children , or screaming or crying are part of the developmental journey. Their reactions towards big feeling are overwhelming or embarrassing sometimes but we need to normalise. And need to know the cause and proper step to help them manage their emotions.
Kids struggle with big feelings because the emotional centre of the brain is developed at time of birth. So babies can feel and express emotions. But the rational thinking part which is called prefrontal cortex is not developed as early as the emotional centre of the brain. And this prefrontal cortex is responsible for emotional control, decision making and executive functions. So babies find it difficult to manage their emotions as their brain is not fully developed.
The rational thinking part of the brain begin to slowly develop in toddlerhood and continue developing though different stages till they become adult. So as children know emotions but lack of skill of controlling their emotions trigger their meltdown. Few situations in children’s daily routine like tiredness, excessive screen time, overstimulation or shifting from one task to other triggers their nervous system and then they struggle with their big feelings.
So in this scenario parents, teachers and caregivers actions help them to mange their emotions. As children cannot independently deal with their emotions, co-regulation is the key for emotional regulation for kids.
You may like to read :- Building Resilience In Preschoolers : Strategies For ages 2-5
What Is Co-Regulation?
So now we know that the prefrontal cortex in children is not developed, hence their ability to control emotions is not there. And they need co-regulation. Let’s understand the meaning of Co-Regulation. In simple terms it refers to sharing calmness to the one who feels stressed or having anxiety. It is the process when children are not able to manage big feelings on their own, adults by maintaining calmness, soothes children and helps them to settle down.
Co-Regulation for children works like an external support. As children’s brain is not fully developed to manage difficult emotions they need an external source of help to make them feel calm. And here parents, teachers and caregivers are the external source of calmness for children. Parent’s soft look, calm behaviour and gentle touch soothes a child and make them feel loved and safe. This repeated action of sharing calmness by parents to children helps children to learn how to soothe on own later in life. It is one of the most important way of learning emotional regulation for kids.
Few things to keep in mind in Co-Regulation
- Parents should not hurry to fix the problem of child immediately.
- Parents should also be not ignorant toward child’s problem and should listen to them patiently.
- Punishment is not the solution in co-regulation as it about sharing the calm state of mind to soothe child.
Co-Regulation is the foundation for building resilience in children. As in co-regulation children learns to be calm during tough situations. Calm state of mind always helps to think with clarity. They understand how to solve problem with patience and try again.
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Signs Your Child Needs Help Regulating
Children having poor emotional regulation suffer from rapid mood swings. They give big reactions for little stress. Daily activities triggers their emotions too like telling them to eat something and they scream like hell. When they are tired, exhausted or sleepy, they suddenly react too much or demand something unnecessary. These situations often mistaken as tantrums. But these are the indications when your child needs your support and warmth. They are unable to settle down by themselves and don’t know how to deal calmly.
And these situations are the signal for parents to understand the time to co-regulate with children. During meltdowns no explanation, lessons or strict parenting will not work. This is the time for emotional regulation, sharing calmness and listening to them patiently. Every time when parent speak softly and shares the warmth to children, then children also learn that this way one needs to soothe themselves.
Emotional Regulation For Kids And Step-By-Step Guide To Help Kids Dealing With Big Feelings
Emotional regulation is one of the key component of resilience framework. And by now we have a better understanding of emotional regulation and co-regulation. Now it’s time to take action by breaking down the emotional regulation guide step-by-step for parents. These are some simple steps that do not require any perfection. It is just a process to help parents. Parents who need little help to take the actual step to help children overwhelmed by big feelings.
1) Regulate Yourself First
It is quite obvious, every time we cannot be in a calm state. But when we have to help our children suffering from overwhelming feelings we need to regulate ourselves first. Being an adult we know to manage our emotions, so before helping children just spend 2 minutes for yourselves. Take a deep breath, relax yourself and say to yourself,” I can be the calm in their emotional turbulence.
2) Get On Their Level
Children’s maturity level and thought process is very much different from an adult. Many situations seem to be irritating and silly for parents. But they might be difficult for children that make them anxious and stressed. So during those time, we have to think through their perspective. Rather giving lessons, just be with them. And acknowledge them that “yes, it is tough, but I am with you”.
3) Name And Validate Feelings
Emotional regulation for kids mainly focus on understanding the feelings and labelling them. When children go through emotional trigger and they cry or scream. Sometimes parents make mistakes of avoiding their feelings. And just tell them it is not a big deal. This response of parents surpasses their feelings. Avoid using these phrases, instead label their feeling what you see as a parent. Tell them , “Yes, it is tough for you” or “It looks you are sad/angry right now”. It helps kid to feel safe and calm down faster. Parents should use light words to make them understand that all feelings are okay but the behaviour to react those feelings should not be aggressive or harsh.
4) Offer Simple Calming Inputs
There are many calming strategies to soothe fussy and anxious children. While sharing calmness and support, parents can also use some other calming tools to make children feel relax and settle down. Deep breathing together can help a lot. Parents can do the a relaxation technique of smelling the flower and blow the candle that encourages deep breathing.
Some other calming inputs that can be used for emotional regulation for kids are sensory items like stress-ball and play dough. Reducing the stimulations like dimming the light in the room, cozy and loving space, not much noise can help child to calm down.
5) Use Few Words
During the storm, explanation or lessons don’t work. Interaction should include very less words and more care and support. Children dealing with big feelings don’t have interest or energy to listen to your words. They just want to settle down and they need parents to help them feeling calm. Therefore use short phrases like “I can Understand you are sad” , “I am here with you”.
6) Stay Present Without Fixing Immediately
Solving the issue is not the key goal in emotional regulation for kids. Parents and caregiver’s main focus should be on establishing a warm and calm connection with child. During meltdowns parents should not rush to teach lesson or solve the problem. it will make the situation worst. So first, offer your support and listen to them and share calmness. Parent’s support and care make children feel loved and this feelings helps them to settle down. After this moment try to discuss about the problem and teach them what is the right thing to do.
You may like to read :- Calm Down Strategies For Kids: Parenting Tips To Manage Emotional Outbursts
Simple Problem Solving After The Meltdown
After the child is calm, parents need to do few simple things. As during the meltdown, the main focus is to help children to feel relaxed and calm. So once the child reach the state of calmness and they are in their usual mood, have a gentle interaction with them.
Start a light conversation which include questions like :-
- “What happened to you?”
- “What was difficult?”
- “What you learned from this incident?”
- “So what can we do next time if it happens?”
Remember to keep this conversation short and simple otherwise kids may not have much patience to listen for long time. The main motto of this after meltdown conversation is to make children realise meltdowns are not the right approach to deal with big feelings. There are many better ways to face their emotional turbulence.
Practical Tools For Emotional Regulation For Kids
Tools are always there to make our work easier, be it in corporate or parenting. When children are having big feelings and they don’t know to process it logically, somewhere parents also need little prep to handle emotional regulation for kids in best possible ways. But prep doesn’t refer multiple steps difficult process, it is just few simple activities to do to calm children. As a parent’s approach for emotional regulation for kids matters more than just telling kids to stop crying or shouting.
Here is the list of tools parents can start using for regulating heavy emotions of children and foster emotional regulation in them.
Breathing Buddies
Breathing buddy is typically a stuffed toy used by parents and educators for children dealing with hard times. In this activity, the stuffed toy is placed on the belly of the children and when the child breath, the toy moves up and down with each breath. This movement of the toy shifts the focus of stressed and anxious child. It promotes deep breathing that relaxes the mind and make them feel calm.
Smell The Flower, Blow The Candle
It is a simple breathing technique that helps children to regulate emotions. This is an imagining activity where children will imagine to have a flower in their hand and a candle infant of them. Now children will inhale slowly pretending to smell the flower and then slowly exhale through mouth just like blowing a birthday candle. This deep breathing will promote good blood flow and have calm mind.
Counting Breathes Or Finger
Counting breathes or fingers diverts the stress and anxiety of brain. Children focus on counting their breath relaxes their body and lowers the heart rate. So whenever children feel sad or upset, tell them to count their breath or fingers. This physical movement of hand will take the stress out of brain and will make them feel relaxed.
Calm Down Corner With Pillows, Books And Soft Toys
Everyone needs a safe place to cope with heavy feelings. Children too feel safe in their cozy place with their favourite calm down tools like books for emotions, soft pillows or toys. Their cozy corner offer them a quiet space to soothe themselves. They reset their mind and control over emotions after sometime. Calm down corner promotes self regulation skill in children. When they spent time in calm down corner, they validate their feelings and try to solve them.
Sensory Bin
Sensory bin play for toddlers are kind of therapy that reduces anxiety. Sensory bin can include any materials available at home like rice, pasta, lentils etc. The sensory bin activity shifts big feelings to soothing play. Touching, scooping and pouring the materials lowers the stress and anxiety in children.
Gentle Movements
Gentle movements like stretching, swaying gives children a way to process their emotions when they lack words to control emotions. As these movements soothes overstimulated brain. Physical movements of body helps to sweep out the stress hormone from the body. And this helps children to overcome the emotional meltdown moments.
Pacifying Routines
Pacifying routines refers to predetermined tasks that soothes a child’s mood. Routine task like warm bath, soft music or book reading time helps child to lower their anxiety. The pacifying predictable activities calms their nervous system. As children are aware of what is coming next rather than some unexpected threats that can stimulate their brain. So during meltdowns, parents can do these pacifying routine for children for their emotional regulation.
Visual Support For Emotional Regulation For Kids
When children go through tough moments, they lack words to process. And parent’s explanation also goes in vain as children lack the ability to process the situation logically. In this situation, visual aid helps children to process their emotions. Visual aids for emotional regulation for kids can be feelings chart, emotion cards, first-then boards. Visual support helps children to navigate challenging situations with less struggle.
“Pause Button” Game
It is a game where children learn to pause or freeze before giving any reactions. The pause mode helps to create some time and prevent the child from being impulsive. It gives some time to relax the nervous system. As the anger or the moments of frustration are for very small time, so the pause gives the essential time to slower the heart rate. And diverts brain focus from the current situation of anger or impulsiveness. It teaches children o control emotions in real life.
Feelings Journal
Writing feelings journal is one of the most important thing for emotional regulation for kids. The main goal while teaching kids to manage and control their emotions is validate their feelings and then process that feeling. So when a child develops the habit of writing how they feel, they learn to acknowledge their feelings. While writing or drawing feelings on paper is a therapy that helps in the transition of being impulsive to calmness. It also gives the scope of reflecting back their tough moments.
Age-Specific Strategies For Emotional Regulation
How do preschoolers ages 2-5 regulate emotions?
- More physical comfort, simple and gentle conversation, sensory tools.
- Co-regulation
How do early school children ages 6-9 regulate emotions?
- Introducing and teaching simple emotion words.
- Developing calm-down plan with a space for the child.
- Using visual support to understand emotions.
How do older kids ages 10+ regulate emotions?
- Discussing brain stimulations, triggers and body signals.
- After settling down, discuss gently about problem solving.
- Establishing positive relationship to feel secure and comfortable.
Common Mistakes To Avoid While Teaching Emotional Regulation
Sometimes parents unintentionally take the wrong step while teaching emotional regulation to children. And that leads to life long suffering for them. So there are few common mistakes that parents should avoid when teaching emotional regulation.
1) Don’t expect immediate result of settling down.
2) Emotional outburst from parent’s side
3) Delivering too much lectures and teachings during meltdown moments.
4) Not modelling emotional regulation while experiencing challenges.
5) Forgetting to teach how to deal tough moments after settling down.
Conclusion
Let’s remind ourselves again that the kids need a safe environment to handle emotions. So create that for children to help them learn how to acknowledge feelings and manage them with right steps. Not to forget, emotional regulation for kids is not a one day class. It is process that is very simple but needs parents’s attention and right approach to share calmness to the restless little bodies.
